


War Against Ourselves

by foreverinprinxietyhell



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Confessions, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hanging, Heart-to-Heart, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Protectiveness, Relapsing, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Therapy, suicide awareness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-12 22:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverinprinxietyhell/pseuds/foreverinprinxietyhell
Summary: The songs referenced throughout this fic (in order of appearance):War Against Ourselves, Sew IntricateFamily Friendly Noose Song, Rusty CageNote to Self, Amity AfflictionIf you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts, etc. the toll free number is: http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlinesText Home to 741741 (in the US)Disclaimer: I will not be posting a link to my PayPal on this fic, as I usually do, considering that this is a serious issue that I and others struggle with and the thought of trying to profit off of it is gross to me. If you'd like, please consider donating to a Suicide Prevention cause/charity instead.





	War Against Ourselves

_Another day alone. Another night, another knife, I guess I'm on my own. The lights are on, my eyes are closed and no one understands the Dark I'm dealing with. All the people in my life are way too blind to see the vice._

Temptation was a cruel mistress especially after being convinced that no longer would there be any more carvings crafted into paper thin, pale skin, but a relapse was bound to happen. Off-white knuckles clenched around the tortoiseshell handle of a well-used knife that had not dulled despite it being a veteran after countless times of being used, poised over scarred skin constantly covered by a purple patchwork hoodie once the right-handed sleeve was rolled up halfway. Was he really going to give up all this progress because of an unending depressive slump? 

“Virgil?” a neutral voice spoke, startling him out of a debate his brain was about to win and turning to face the person whom had come back into his life on a whim, “What’ve you got there?”

“It’s nothing, Dee, go back to sleep.” 

“You’re a terrible liar, love.”

“Only you would know, right?”

“You weren’t thinking of doing that again, I hope.”

“And if I was?”

Without uttering another word the serpentine significant other stole the blade away from him once tight knit fingers unclenched to let blood flow through, not putting up a fight as an emptied hand fell into the outstretched yellow glove to be pulled into a gear patterned pajama covered lap. Keeping quiet the anxious one pressed impossibly close into a narrow chest covered in a simple black shirt emblazoned crudely drawn crow holding a key in its beak instead of the usual cloak and dagger dress he wore on a daily basis, trembling timidly in preparation for a lecture over falling from grace, “Thought I was done disappointing you, huh?” 

“You haven’t, I’m just concerned.”

“That I’ll finally commit?” Virgil asked quite bluntly, angry tone pointed at no one aside from himself, “Didn’t think you were the type to give a shit, dating or not.”

“‘Course I care. Will you be stable enough to wait while I hide this?”

“Honestly? No, I… tied a noose in the closet.”

“Ah, well, I have to note that you should never consider putting a rope around your throat.”

“It’d be a shame to waste it.”

“There’s a hundred uses for the hangman’s knot that have nothing to do with killing yourself,” Deceit stated simply, kissing a furrowed forehead to smooth it out, moving toward the half-opened door to push it ajar and cut the handmade device apart, “Now that’s taken care of I’ll dispose of both.”

“I’ve already abandoned all my hope…”

“I don’t believe that, Vee.”

Ignoring the dismissive demeanor from his partner the embodiment of a dark and stormy night curled in on himself, cheek buried into a flattened pillow as dull eyes stared unseeing at the bowler hat hanging off the edge of a bedside table. Why did he have a heartfelt moment with the master of deception instead of keeping quiet? Priding himself in not being easily attached even if in a relationship and yet a heavy amount of guilt weighed down on a usual nonchalant attitude amidst all the provoked anxiety.

“Love, come back to me,” the older one stated softly, so as not to startle the sensitive soul still seething with self-loathing, “What are you thinking of?”

“How I’ve disappointed you ‘cos you caught me.”

“You didn’t.”

“Heh, thought you avoided the truth?”

“Lying will only feed the fire when it needs to be extinguished.”

“Like me…”

“No, Virgil, you deserve to stick around and-”

“What do you know about it?!” the anxious one lashed out, wincing as if receiving a physical attack, shrinking further into himself even as his partner came closer and sat a few inches away in order to avoid triggering a negative reaction any further. 

“Quite a lot, actually,” he admitted solemnly as covered hands rested in his folded lap with twiddling thumbs, “I know that you’re confused. I’ve been there once, twice, but the third I didn’t choose.”

Taken aback by this sudden realization, Virgil was lost in frozen thought that refused to thaw; of course others dealt with thoughts of possibly ending their own life, but when it affected someone whom you had held in high regard there was no way to prepare. Was this how it felt for Deceit and, if so, how was he staying so calm when he had gone through something similar?

Returning to reality a lone gold eye greeted him as if the scale covered male could read his mind, sympathy seeping out even in the shared silence, “What kept you from committing?” 

“Spite, mostly.” 

“Sounds simple.”

“Not at first. Everyone else wants me gone, not gonna give ‘em that satisfaction.” 

“I want you here, Dee.”

“Perhaps we can settle on a compromise then?”

“What kind…?”

“Those who don’t understand what we’re going through,” the deceptive persona started to explain, taking a pause as he noted how the other stiffened at the mere mention even though his attention was acutely aware of the conversation, “If nothing else, we live for each other.” 

“Doesn’t sound as scary when you put it like that. What if I fail again?”

“You won’t, you _can’t_ , okay?” 

“I’ll try…”

“That’s all I’d expect. I do have another suggestion to add.”

“All these conditions!”

“It might be in your best interest to seek out a professional. Perhaps Dr. Picani, only if you want to of course.” 

“...No, I do. If it’ll help.”

Honestly, he was more concerned about confessing earlier events to Patton more so than Logan; while the former was not completely clueless, the anxious one still gravitated toward wanting to protect him from upsetting topics, yet he would be the one at fault for bringing it to attention in the first place. While the moral one had been adamant about confronting issues face to face that willingness to help would only unsettle Virgil further and assist none of them, so it seemed better to meet with them together in the family room in order to decrease chances in emotional outbursts. 

“Is there a reason you called us here, kiddo?” the moral side asked as the two took seats on the couch, a soft smile spreading across his face automatically at seeing his best friend, “Is this about you and Deceit?!”

“Wha? Oh, no Pat, at least not about our relationship.”

“Ah darn… One of these days, I guess.” 

“I mean, we’re still goin’ slow…”

“Dear, why don’t we let Virgil lead us in this discussion?” Logan suggested in a soft tone that reminded the older one that their presence had been requested for a reason and they still did not know why, “You have our utmost attention.” 

“Please don’t freak out... “

“That doesn’t sound promising.” 

“I, uh… had a lapse in judgement toward myself and almost cut again.” he sputtered out in a fast paced mumble the two were all too familiar with, knowing that he would not be able to get it out any other way. 

Bracing himself to face being blamed for not remaining strong enough to resist the shrill siren song, Virgil averted his gaze as a gasp pierced the air despite the previous warning he had given, wincing when the sensitive soul started to cry uncontrollably. Had Patton really been that oblivious? Didn’t he think it strange that no matter how hot it got in Florida that long-sleeves stayed in place on lanky arms? Then again, he had purposefully not told the father figure for fear of this happening, but had sought out the logical side instead. 

“Pat, I-I’m sorry, I promised Lo I wouldn’t again,” he blubbered on, oblivious to the blinding light that filled the room as tears mixed with the eyeliner above his cheeks, caught off guard by the person who replaced both halves, “I thought they had to be in a stable mindset to fuse?”

“They have a common goal: helping you.” 

“How touching.”

“Shall we head to my office?”

“I guess?” 

Leading the way to a room that only existed when the fusion was intact the anxious one tried to steady his breathing to prepare for the ponderings that would come naturally from someone who naturally helped those who were having different types of troubles. Hands stuffed into deep pockets in the most angsty of ways he leaned against chocolate brown cushions as Dr. Picani gathered a clipboard and pencil to take notes, ignoring the growing nervous energy in the pit of his stomach, becoming convinced this had been the wrong approach, “I don’t really know what I want to get outta this session, y’know? Don’t want to waste your time…”

“Nonsense! There’s nothing wrong with talking through some stuff,” the therapist remarked, readjusting their glasses by pushing the bridge upward with an eraser, “Now, has your mood changed recently?”

“Maybe? I thought I was getting better, but here I am, fucking everything up.” 

“What’s gotten you through the last time this happened and now, anything significantly different?”

“Adopting my pet spider, being in a relationship with Deceit… That’s all I can think of?” 

“Spider?!”

“He’s in a tank, don’t worry,” Virgil reassured, knowing all too well how the moral side of the entity had a deathly fear of them, grimacing at causing distress, “I guess I feel inadequate for my boyfriend, kind of.”

“Elaborate on that.”

“Well, I was originally a part of the Dark Sides and now… I’m one of you guys and I wonder if he resents me for that somehow.”

“Has he expressed this to you?”

“No, but sometimes that’s how it seems.”

“And have you asked Deceit about it? Assuming he doesn’t lie about your relationship.” 

“Don’t have the guts to try.”

“Well, if we don’t have difficult conversations things will only fall apart,” Emile stated somberly as the other gave out a soft sigh, “As for your newest attempt, I want to make sure-”

“I swear if you ask how I’m feeling right now I’m going to freaking lose it.”

“That’s a sterotype, I’ll have you know!” they exclaimed, eyes lighting up with amusement to let it be known that they had not actually taken offense to the comment, “Will you forgive yourself?”

“Not so sure I can at the moment, but I’ll show some proof that my black heart beats.”

**Author's Note:**

> The songs referenced throughout this fic (in order of appearance):  
> War Against Ourselves, Sew Intricate  
> Family Friendly Noose Song, Rusty Cage  
> Note to Self, Amity Affliction
> 
> If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts, etc. the toll free number is: http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines  
> Text Home to 741741 (in the US)
> 
> Disclaimer: I will not be posting a link to my PayPal on this fic, as I usually do, considering that this is a serious issue that I and others struggle with and the thought of trying to profit off of it is gross to me. If you'd like, please consider donating to a Suicide Prevention cause/charity instead.


End file.
